If it sounds just a little bit like a Reuben, that’s by design. Fittingly it’s called the Johnny Utah (house-smoked turkey pastrami, American cheese, Russian dressing, coleslaw, zucchini pickles). One of the most “basic” or relatively “naked” burgers on the menu is what my Kim asked for. With their toppings, they’re elevated to something special. They’re thin-cut, just a bit flaccid and nicely salted. The rarebit fries (bacon, house beer-cheese rarebit sauce, whole grain mustard, tomato, red onion) are messy and delicious, but you risk being rendered comatose if you and your dining companion(s) finish the mountainous portion. Rarebit is essentially a thick sauce of cheese, beer and spices spread on toast–or at Proper Burger, spread on fries or on a burger. Rarebit (or Welsh rabbit) contains no rabbit. If you think “rarebit” is the way Gomer Pyle pronunces rabbit, you’re not too far off. Fieri describes Proper Burger as “first rate.” The menu also lists salads, grilled cheese, fries, onion rings and chili. Toppings–sauces, cheeses, veggies and other condiments–are top quality as is the beer-based sauce. Substitute a chicken patty or a vegan patty if you’d like. You need not have your burger constructed with Proper’s fresh, never frozen beef patty, a full third-pound. Inventiveness and originality are the hallmarks of the burger menu. Proper Burger actually started off as Proper Brewery and continues to pair its award-winning libations with one of the city’s most highly regarded burgers. The program didn’t indicate whether or not Fieri sloshed down the eatery’s beer with the same enthusiasm he showed for the burger. Fittingly the episode was called “Happy Helpings” because (unlike a certain chain’s claim) it takes two hands to handle a Proper burger properly. in which he demonstrated the Martian way of properly eating a burger. In a season 29 (2018-2019) of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, Fieri visited a Salt Lake City beer and burger institution named Proper Burger Co. In short order that goatee is covered in gloppy, goopy, messy burger fixings. Nor is Fieri’s two-tone goatee spared the rabid wolverine-like assault on the burger. You’d better not be in close proximity or flying shrapnel is likely to spray you. No matter the size of the burger, Fieri can fit at least half of it in his mouth. Watching him bite into a burger is reminiscent of Bruce, the great white shark from the movie Jaws. It’s at the eating part of the proper way to eat a burger that Fieri excels. Angle the sandwich at a 45-degree angle to the counter with the top end towards your mouth. Cradle the burger with both hands, resting your elbows on the counter. Lean forward so that your chest is at a 45-degree angle to the counter. If the burger is what some of us more seasoned folks might call a “Dagwood” (characterized by its skyscraper height and multiple layers of meats, cheeses and condiments), Fieri will first assume the position–what he calls the “hunch.” First you put your burger on the counter and stand in front of it with your chest about twelve-inches from the edge of the counter. It’s not for the faint of heart or children and you shouldn’t attempt it without a net. The platinum-coiffed restaurant impressario’s approach to properly eating a burger is mirrored by most of us Martians. Representing Mars (men) is Food Network superstar Guy Fieri. Representing Venus (women), as depicted in a Wendy’s commercial from the 1980s, is a geriatrically advanced woman who takes a small bite of her juicy burger then daintily wipes off the detritis with a napkin. Television would have you believe Mars and Venus have different ideas as to what constitutes the proper way to eat a burger.
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